I received a rude shock as I came across a piece of news that the government has now decided to hold PEET for political aspirants on the lines of NEET for Medical aspirants?’
Oh God, they are hell bent on making our lives difficult. Good old days when atleast getting into politics wasn’t that tough.
It was evident that the eligibility criteria, curriculum and the exam pattern would be very rigorous.
1) Mark sheet for the last attempted academic year.
Minimal marks complusary. (Bright students can take up Medicine or Engineering)
Unsuccessful (failure) candidates will be given preference in case of a draw. In case the tie still persists the candidate with higher number of attempts will be given preference.
2) A duly self attested (candidate’s own signature or thumb impression whichever is applicable) attendance sheet for the last academic year is mandatory. Again in a tie breaker situation, candidate attending the least number of classses will gain prefence.
3) Character certificate. A candidate who can produce one will stand debared from the exams. A court case or two against the candidate will be appreciated.
4) Caste certificate stating the caste (original or fake) of the candidate is compulsory.
5) Domecile and Nationality stating that the applicant is an Indian National is mandatory (we are hostile to foreign nationals)
The aspirants will have to appear for
a) Written Multiple Choice Questions (MCQs) with elaboration in brief (not to be confused with undergarments, candidate has to be appropriately clothed)
Writers will be provided for the less lettered.
b) Practical exams in form of Viva Voce and physical tests for combative skills.
So with the exams announced as above a rather enterprising ex politician, Bhau (lost deposits in gram panchayat elections) came up with an ingenious idea of starting coaching classes for the applicants providing extensive training to us budding politicans. Bhau explained to us the intricacies of being a Neta in great details.
The most essential prerequisites for becoming an ideal politician Bhau expounded are.
a) Satyamev Jayate:
This motto looks good at the base of the national emblem but one need not necessarily abide by it. Truthfulness is actually a hinderence in the path towards becoming a great politician. One needs to lie through his nose and make false promises which he clearly doesn’t intend to keep. Promise stars and hand out peanuts, but always maintain an arrogance thay the opposition could not even achieve this. Lying is integral to politics and is unavoidable.
It is just a way of expressing anger, sorrow, anguish or frustration. It’s actually a medium of expression that makes people believe that no one messes with Bhau. A budding politican needs to acquaint himself with abuses which he needs to hurl with proper emphasis and perfect pronounciation to get the desired effect. They could range from the fairly innocuous ones (Bhadve, Sale) to abuses involving the female relatives of the abused. Filthier the better.
C) Dress code:
Khadi or malmal is a must, it is ‘THE’ political attire for any serious politican, Nehru jacket (Now Modi jacket) is optional and may be added for additional impact. The gamcha could be tricolored, orange, green or blue depending upon your political preference. One needs to look up to Bappi Lehri and draw inspiration from his jewellery. An extra thick gold chain around the neck. Atleast 4 rings in each hand (depending upon planetary positions) and a solid 24 carat gold bracelet makes you look your part. A big lump of guthkha or pan stuffed into your mouths is the icing on the cake.
This is the most important khadi clad accessory to any politician.The more the better. You need them for emphasis. They have to constantly call you bhau, bhai or didi. You need them to carry 2 or more of your mobile phones, receive calls on your behalf and when in company inform you either of an urgent but fictitious call from Delhi or from Mukhyamantri Saheb. (CM is infact oblivious to your existence) They have to be chosen wisely for their abusive adroitness, extortion expertise and combative capabilities.
f) Caste politics.
This is what politics in our country is all about. You could shout from roof tops about your secular beliefs but you need to be sagacious enough to play the caste card when the time is right, it without fail comes to your rescue. A successful politician should be able to judge when to shed his pseudo secular garb, afterall allegiance to your brothern is your prime duty.
g) Counter offensive:
One cannot be a neta without elocution and debating skills. The words responsibility, accountability and transparency have no place in your vocabulary. You need to hammer this into your gyri and sulci that offense is the best form of defence. Don’t let the muck (or coal) stick. They name Godhra you name the Punjab riots, they name demonetisation, you name emergency and so on. Even in case of natural disasters or natural calamities don’t abandon the blame game, name the opposition, hatch fictitious conspiracy plots or blame foreign hand. All this and the post of a party spokesperson is yours for sure. Who better than you to talk about the ‘party ki wichardhara’.
Out of sight, out of mind is the mantra. Make sure to be in the right camera frame at the right time. Come floods, reach there donning a life jacket, riots somewhere, a bulletproof jacket and a Page 3 event a dinner jacket. Leave no chance to a photo op. Practice your poses for hoardings and cut outs, wave your arm over your head, perfect the Namaste pose with a benign smile on your countenance, try out the side profile, but don’t miss out on the chance to be seen.
I) Modus operandi:
You’ll need to decide on your plan of action in situations like andolans and rallies. It could be a maun wrat, a bike rally, a pad yatra, a rath yatra, shaving the head andolan, obstructing the traffic, support a bhookh hartal (make sure u get the Mosambi juice in the end) or break a bone or two.
Polish on your lines like condemn, express remorse, announce compensation or appoint an enqiry commission. You need to be sure when to do what.
J) Poll – ethics = Politics
A shrewd neta should know how to get elected. He has to know the demands of his constituents, who needs a sewing machine or a new TV set. Where to promise a gas cylinders and where to disburse cash. Booze has to freely flow all the while. He has to ensure endless supply of currency at the disposal of chelas to gather mobs for political rallies. And to meet with all of the said expenses a cunning neta has to know which cash sources to be tapped. A ghotala or two do no harm to your political career, skill lies in either coming clean out of it or blaming the opposition for hatching a plot to implicate you, if at all the allegations stick.
Success at any cost should he your moto, jump ships if you have to, a flexible spine always comes handy for any accomplished politician.
Bhau took great pains to see to it that we understand all the complexities of this convoluted topic called Indian Politics. Thus equipped with the expertise and the deftness necessary to qualify for the title of Bhai, Bhau, Dada, Didi or Amma we appear for the Aptitude test and on qualifying pledge to ‘Serve the Nation And The People of This Great Nation. Jai Hind’