Hold on to your sorries, sympathies and Tsk Tsks, no my husband is not having an affair. Proof you ask? Well the very fact that he’s alive to tell his story isn’t proof enough?
So who is this other woman then?
Each and every woman in this ‘Akhand Bramhand’ has an alter ego. She has this multiple personality disorder. She is who she is and yet she’s also who you want her to be.
I have been a woman for the past 25 years of my life, ok ok give and take some 15 years, we always need to lie on that one.Its our prerogative.A woman hardly touches the 40 year mark till the time she sleeps cold in her grave or gets reduced to ashes, whichever might be the case.
So it’s been quite a long journey and the roads haven’t been exactly smooth for a fairly average, middle class and mediocre Indian girl. Actually mediocrity is the only one thing that I’ve been perfect at.But this is not a story about my shortcomings and imperfections, I am absolutely ok with them.
Ma Da Ladla
My sole complaint in life is that I would have preferred to be an Average Indian boy (Stress on Indian there, Boys enjoy a Demigod status in this holy land of ours .Well, almost) Trust me, it’s no fun being a girl. The business of people meddling with our lives begins very early, with each and everyone trying to mould us and shape us to becoming exactly the way they want us to be.
As kids we are expected to be better than boys, excel in studies ,score better than them, because aren’t girls supposed to be sincere , hardworking and studious? And boys have a lot many other things to do.They need to play , they have to go out, get spoilt and then if they do manage to get some time out of this hectic schedule, they might study But what to do ‘Boys are like that only.’
Then as long as we are unmarried, we have to excel in our careers too, after all we are no lesser than boys right? But this is true till the time we get married. In comes marriage and this entire equation topples down head first.Now we need to be careful not to outdo our husbands and tame down our soaring careers so he doesn’t feel inferior or insecure .They have this ‘Big Male Ego’ that insatiable monster who needs to be regularly fueled and fed to his content.But then again what to do ‘Boys are like that only no’. Isn’t it really painful for this girl who’s left behind her own nest to enter into this entirely foreign abode which she is now supposed to call her home henceforth. Try uprooting a fully grown tree and planting it in entirely new and hostile environs, it refuses to grow.But we on the other hand , take roots, grow, shade you and bear you fruits too.
Bend it like Beckham
So our life gets reduced to an unending series of little and according to some , insignificant adjustments.A little bending around the curves, a nip here, a tuck there and all this while our bodies are in a state of complete disharmony with ourselves.As our hormones wrestle amongst themselves causing all sorts of messy and uncomfortable hush hush events.
Shhh: This one has wings
Our facultatively traditional and conveniently modern families give us mixed signals all through ,while the onset of puberty is celebrated with much brouhaha in certain communities, a strict quarantine is maintained in some deeply religious and conservative houses.
This entire business isn’t as inconvenient,painfully and humiliating as the actual act of buying sanitary napkins.You almost feel like a ‘khoofiya jassoos’ or a spy from ISI as the entire shopping and shipping of the wares is done with utmost secrecy.
The hormones later unleash a ‘Tandav’ on us during the period of the much glorified and holy motherhood, a supposed blessing on womanhood , something which makes her whole and complete. But sorry, I beg to differ here This is again something which I feel is a false propaganda to make us feel better for our sufferings which are a consequence of an act which was entirely mutual and equally pleasurable to both parties concerned.
The male species which has never suffered an iota of pain or discomfort and cannot even bear the thought of going through this long period of physical disability and excruciating pain have the heart to call us the weaker sex , but nature took matters into her own hands and decided who amongst us has the strength to endure.
You are worth it
Patriarchal as our society is,it is often argued that it is the men who run everything from their houses to our nation.But I’d like to point out that members of my species are single handedly responsible for boosting the national economy.The entire beauty and fashion industry owe their existence to us and especially so the fairness segment.We Indians are infact closet racists, we have this secret agenda against the dark and for us fair is always beautiful.
It is an atrocity actually, this compulsion to look good.The amount of time and effort which we put into achieving this elusive goal, if properly channelised into something productive or creative can reap rich dividends.Sadly even after using copious amounts of these so called beauty products and fretting over that strand of hair that simply refuses to budge under coercion of stem, heat,straighteners or gels, we still manage to look exactly the way we looked yesterday or the day before.
Each day as we get ready for work standing dejectedly in front of our closets, deliberating what to wear for the day, we realise that we have nothing to wear inspite of our overflowing wardrobes, the right lipstick goes missing and the right hand bag goes into hiding.This actually is all a part of the divine conspiracy against women kind.
Beat the Bulge
Our weighing scales continue to be our enemies as this man made device constantly shows an upward shift no matter how much we starve to fit into that ridiculous piece of clothing which is actually meant for our teenaged daughters.But we have always been told that not withstanding our bone structures, slim is beautiful.Sadly none of these rules apply to our male counterparts.
Kahani Ghar Ghar ki
Our struggle for excellence on all fronts goes on as we strive for our adoptive parents and their overgrown baby which they have ceremoniously handed over to us .Our own kids also ensure that we have a tough time raising them. We struggle with our maids at home and colleagues at work.We silently take all the tantrums that are thrown our way and just learn to exist from one day to the other, maintaining a strict decorum and fixed code of moral conduct meant for women only. And in satisfactorily covering all the fore mentioned aspects of our loved one’s lives we ask ourselves this question. Do you really love us? Are we just a means to your comfort? Do you even take the trouble to thank us for our countless sacrifices? Aren’t you expecting too much in return for too little?
So what do I do? Do I plan to get a sex change surgery done ? Is that my only option to escape this unending misery ?
Hell no!! Only last week I wasted a treasure on this new makeup range, paid a bomb to my hair dresser and bought this spring summer collection worth the entire economy of Congo and Burundi.